Suxville Part 3
by Linda09
Summary: Warning: the humour in this one is more biting. Yes I do find Lana this obvious, Clark this pathetic and this is about as romantic as they appeared to me. I wrote this before S8, you’ll understand later. Clana fans turn away now; or don’t complain later!


Clark: You're so pretty Lana.

Lana: I know

Clark: I can talk about you all day.

Lana: I can too.

Clark: I love you Lana

Lana: I love me too

Clark (hopeful voice): Do you love me?

Lana (gets huffy): I just told you that I love ME; don't annoy me Clark.

Clark (quickly stammers): S...sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry Lana; I'm sorry....I love you Lana.

Lana: I know.

Clark: Why don't we look at my pictures of you?

Lana (nods head and thinks): We can do that, or we can talk about me, which would you prefer?

Clark: We can do both. We've been together for 20 years and we both love talking about you.

Lana: That's true (tears in her eyes) I never get sick of talking about me.

Clark: I have the prison lecture tomorrow, I've got the photos I'm going to show, why don't we look at them together and I can tell you what was happening at the time. As you know, I've got a super memory so I can remember all the details.

Lana: I like that idea; I can look at pictures of myself all day.

Clark (races to his Lana shrine, sees photos tacked up on every surface, cardboard cut-outs, and posters of Lana everywhere. Begins to drool then focuses on the photo albums; hundreds and hundreds of photo albums. Quickly selects four then races back. Eagerly opens the first one and let's out little huff)

Clark: These photos are when you were dating Whitney (mutters under breath).

Lana: Poor Whitney, he loved me so.

Clark: (opens next album; grumbles and grinds teeth) These are when you were dating Adam.

Lana: He was nice until he upset me; but he did tell me that I was pretty.

Clark: (picks up third album) This lot is when you were dating Jason (mumbles and mutters).

Lana: I thought of doing it with him because I was trying to hold onto him after he dumped me, but I then I realised my hair would get messed up so didn't.

Clark (big smile) That's because deep in your heart you were really saving yourself for me Lana.

Lana (nods) Very true, I knew that if we had sex you'd be completely under my thumb, which is why I did it with you as soon as we started dating, but then you dumped me. So then I had to quickly find a new boyfriend and figured if I had sex with Lex that he'd be my beau, and it worked.

Clark: (pats her hand in comfort) It was my fault Lana, I made you do it with him by dumping you. I'm so sorry for putting you through that. Having to feel Lex all over you, touching you (gives tiny shiver).

Lana: (has little secret smile on face) Oh it was no problem Clark, not at all, hmmm.

Clark (swallows hard and asks in small voice): But talking about that; when are we going to do it again? We've only done it twice and the last time was 20 years ago.

Lana: You're not just happy holding my hand (begins crying) I thought you'd be happy just holding my hand; you mean that you want us to have sex as well.

Clark: Just holding your hand is all my dreams come true; _wouldn't mind some sex though _(thinkssilently in head); let's out a sigh _I have a super penis and it needs some super action; _deeper sigh;_ I'll just keep using my super hand_. Holding your hand is more than enough for me Lana because you're all I ever wanted.

Lana: (shivers in pleasure) Oh I know, I love it when you tell me how jealous you were off all my boyfriends, and how you used to spy on me through your telescope; that's just so amazingly creepy that it gives me a tingle. And I love how you still tell everyone how wonderful I am. You are so lucky to have me Clark.

Clark: I know, I can't believe how lucky.

Lana: I'm so pretty.

Clark: I know.

Lana: Do you love me Clark.

Clark: Yes, and I understand that you can't love me back, because you love yourself so much, that there's no room for anyone else in your heart.

Lana: That's true, that's why I like you Clark; you understand me so well.

Clark: (let's out little girly sob) But you don't love me.

Lana (gets annoyed): LOOK!! Isn't it enough that I love, that you love me?

Clark: (tilts head and thinks dreamily) Oh wow, she loves that I love her.

Lana: (flips hair and thinks dreamily) Oh wow, my hair is so shiny. (Then she elbows him and gets back to the matter at hand): You know that I only love _**ME**_, when are you going to get that Clark?

Clark: I'll try harder, (bravely sucks in sob and grabs next album quickly then scowls) now....now these photos are when you were married to Lex. Bastard stole you from me.

Lana: I looked so pretty and you can't blame him for stealing me. I mean let's face it; everyone loves me.

Clark: (nods head rapidly) That is so true Lana; everyone who lives in Smallville, drove through Smallville, visited Smallville or just saw you in passing fell in love with you.

Lana: (shakes head sadly and lets out heartfelt sigh) Oh I know, and it's all so unfair; There's just not enough of me to go around. I'm just so _**special**_ Clark.

Clark: Oh you are Lana (gets excited look on face) I know, how about after we finish looking at my pictures of you; we talk about all the people who loved you.

Lana: (claps hands in glee) Oh yes let's do that, every week there was someone who loved me and wanted to keep me for their own.

Clark: But I knew that you'd be mine Lana, I knew that if I just waited and waited and held on; you'd turn to me one day when there was no one else left.

Lana: Oh that is so true (big sigh) we are just so romantic, don't you think Clark?

Clark: (sighs and nods) We so are Lana; There has never been anyone as romantic as us.

Lana: (gives pretty smile) Never, Clark absolutely never! (bigger sigh) Well we can keep looking at the pictures again now.

Clark: Ok well these photos are when you were with Lex (confesses in apologetic voice) I kinda had to sneak around to take them but...

Lana: (cuts in chidingly) Clark that's ok, you know that I loved it when you spied on me, that's what makes our relationship so special.

Clark: I knew that you understood me Lana, that's how I always KNEW that you were the girl for me. Most girls just don't seem to understand that a guy needs the titillation of perving, but you do (gives her fatuous smile).

Lana: (lets out unladylike snort) Yes well those girls they are just soooo stupid; they just don't get how romantic it is when a guy shadows them and watches every single thing they do. How many times Clark, count them, how many times did I encourage you to perv on me?

Clark: (tilts head and uses super-brain to work out number) It was 9 million, three hundred thousand, and two.

Lana: (gives gentle smile) See.

Clark: (nods) I'm glad that I made you happy Lana, as happy as you made me (pauses and pouts) But...but why did you have to do it with Lex?

Lana: Well I was pissy with you for dumping me, so I let Lex screw me lots and lots just to teach you a lesson. I hope you realise just how lucky you are that I came back to you, Clark.

Clark: I am; you are just so faithful Lana.

Lana: Oh I know, and it is such a curse (lets out deep sigh) I really need to stop thinking so much about other people, and start thinking more about myself.

Clark: (big stupid smile) Well I'm glad that you were selfless and came back to me Lana.

Lana: (gives him her standard shy sweet smile) Yes well you know me, I can't be without a boyfriend for more than two minutes; I mean, what on earth would people say. I knew that no one else would have me, and I knew that you were so pathetically desperate that you would, so it's not like I really had a choice. And that just makes us even more romantic, don't you think Clark (he nods rapidly in agreement). But I do have a tiny little confession to make, you know how I told you that Lionel forced me into marrying Lex; well was just a little white lie; I really just wanted to wear the pretty wedding dress.

Clark: (is wounded) You could have married me.

Lana: (rolls eyes) And wear what; a potato sack. Look at the crummy engagement ring you gave me (holds out finger) you were too cheap to buy me one, so you made me this piece of shit.

Clark (with tears in eyes): I thought....I thought you liked my engagement ring.

Lana: I would have liked it better if it came from an expensive store; Lex gave me a big ring and lots of pretty clothes.

Clark: (mutters) And sex.

Lana: (nods rapidly) Yes, we had lots of sex.

Clark: I thought you didn't like doing it.

Lana: I don't like doing it with you.

Clark: (begins crying) But...but whhhhhy?

Lana: (gets huffy) Stop crying Clark! I'm the crier in this relationship, and I don't appreciate you trying to steal my thunder.

Clark (sniffles): I'm sorry.

Lana: Good and don't do it again or I'll have to go out and find someone to have sex with just to teach you a lesson.

Clark: I'll stop Lana.

Lana (chiding gently): You don't really want us to do that nasty business again do you?

Clark: You seemed to like it when we did it the second time.

Lana: (confesses quickly) That was the powers fault.

Clark: I thought beating up Lex and Lois was the powers fault.

Lana: Well actually I beat them up because of sexual tension. I really really wanted them to have a threesome with me, or at least get some one on one action with each of them; but I'd already wasted the hot flash I felt on you (lets out small snort)

Clark: (small tearful voice) Wasted; you didn't like it?

Lana: I already told you that I don't like doing it with you; I mean come on Clark get yourself a clue. I thought of doing it with Jason, I did it with Lex, did it with your clone; you're the only one I keep running away from, doesn't that tell you anything?

Clark: But...but...will we have sex after we get married?

Lana: No, I thought about it but I don't want to do it with you.

Clark (hopeful voice): Maybe if you got my powers again.

Lana: If I got your powers again I'd have to visit the prison; now that Jason, Adam and Lex are in one cell together...hmm mmmm

Clark: But...but what about me?

Lana: What about you?

Clark: (Begins crying)

Lana: Right that does it, you've been the girl in this relationship for the last time; I'm going out to have sex with someone.

Clark: (nods and sobs) I understand Lana, I'll be here waiting when you're ready to forgive me.

Lana: (yells) Well as usual, that won't be until no one else wants me.

Clark: (blows nose loudly but little girly sob sneaks out again) I understand, do you...do you mind if I still perv on you?

Lana: You'd damn well better, the day you stop spying on me is the day that we're through for good!

Clark: (goes white with fear) I won't EVER stop Lana **I promise**; and I'll be here waiting for when you want me back, but in the meantime I'll try to stop crying and selfishly thinking only of myself.

Lana: Make sure that you do; there's only room for one selfish person in this relationship and from now I've decided that person is going to be ME!


End file.
